day 30: my reflection in the mirror.

I don't like to look at myself in the mirror.
I use the mirror only to fix my hair.

I don't like to see myself.
Whenever I stand in front of a mirror, I see all of my imperfections.

People are always telling me how cute and pretty and skinny I am, but I find it really hard to believe.
Even if I did have good looks, does it matter?
Whenever I look into a mirror, I see how fucked up I really am.

I am perfectly imperfect.

But it's not about being perfect.
No one is perfect except God.

I don't see any beauty in myself, whether it's inner or outer beauty.

On the outside, I'm "pretty" to some people.
But every time they tell me how pretty I am, I always deny it.
Because on the inside, I'm ugly.

I'm beyond ugly.
If people could hear my thoughts, they would confine me to a mental hospital.
But even that won't help.
They'd probably just stone me to death out of anger, sadness, and pain.
Truthfully, on the inside, I hate everyone.
Everyone causes me pain.
Everyone makes me sad.
I hate everyone.

But I'm glad that God is here in my heart.
That prevents me from running around with guns and killing everyone I hate.
I mean, if I did that, there would be no one left on this earth.
Not even me.

I hate myself.
I abhor myself.
I wish I were different.
I wish I weren't so fucked up like this.

I don't want this.

I desperately want to change.
God, please don't let me be like this. I don't like it.
Please, Daddy.